It Is All Fine

Running from the past

Never helped, Still

the hope stayed, that

the moment would pass.

The feeling so inaccurate.

The only feeling that seem to clear

is Disappointment, in self.

Diary of a teenager

I sit here on my bed today, and feel so helpless. Writing down my feelings has become my ultimate escape from reality for short durations. Though these escapes are haunted by the past. I have never been good at expressing myself, and writing is something at which I have sucked my entire life.

After an year of the fateful day it does not help if I say 'it was the right thing to do', or 'I miss you' (because that is a lie ) or even if I try to convince myself not to think about that day (even when I am not sure which exact day or date it was, but it definatly happened around this time).

Ah, I got carried away. Today finally I have decided to say it (or write in this case) all out loud.

The dust of the past still lingers in my eyes. If I rub them it hurts, if I let it be it irritates. I know there are other solutions to it, but I have not been the least bit of rational in past few months. So here is the long story told short:

A guy tried to woo me for four months I did not notice. AT ALL. Then finally when I did, I did not believe it. He was (is) far too cute! And all those questions about why would a guy like him would ever like me? started popping up. Then he proposed. I said yes. Not right away though. He behaved like a perfect boyfriend. But still I did not believe it...why the hell would he like ME? Then he started working. TIME. No talks. No meetings. I thought he did not like me anymore. I got irritated and broke up. He did not say a word.

A month later he says: You don't call anymore...?

THE END.

This is my side of the story. The only problem I could locate in him was that he was a drunkard. But that's no reason to hate such a cute guy! I can not bring myself to forget him. I can't talk to him, because I get super nervous around him. For example the last time he called I started crying like a freak for no reason.

Since then I haven't had any guy in my life, of course apart from my father and best friend. I try blaming that on the fact that I am in a girls college, but that is again no reason for not exploring my options. Not that I am desperate for another boyfriend or something. The problem is I have NO idea what is going on! I have no idea where this is going. It was not all that 'deep love' sort of thing, come to think of it it was not even love.

OH GOD! This is freaking me out!

I seriously want to get over all this. High time. But nothing seem to be helping. Not even TOM!

[P.S. : 1) I have had a crush on Thomas Andrew Felton ever since I was 14 years old.

2) The title is 'It Is All Fine' because whenever a girl says the word 'fine' that is a clear enough indication that 'nothing' is fine.]