OH NO - NOT AGAIN!!

AGAIN

that's a word which has

become the most prominent 'feature'

of my life, lately.

AGAIN

everything seems to be

related to THE past

I

most unwillingly wish

would never had been

THE past!

As this very past has made

THE present 'm living today.

And

probably will be living in

THE future!

What the **** did

I

do to get THIS?!!

SO now

every corner, every road

every place scares me.

Making me run

to somewhere where there is

NOwhere!

Everything that reminds me

of all that, though

I turn my back

It's impossible to

DO so!

I always wish,

that

I had the courage

I boast of.

Oh I feel so guilty

of everything, that

logically i should be

DOING.

I'm guilty, I feel

ashamed of everything,

of which

I should'nt be!

ALL this ends with only one word:

CONFUSED!

Do Dreams Come true?

I was just sitting and wondering can fantasies come true, as in, in real?Actually if we look carefully we realise that fantasy has its origin in reality. So is it wrong to make a fantasy world of ones own and live a part of your life in it?I mean every girl has a dreamland of her own! So the question is : is it wrong to have a fantasy? Well i cannot answer that question so if any of the people reading it has an answer may please do me a huge favour and leave it for me!

The thing is sometimes I cannot believe the things that happen around me....actually I dont understand half the things and m still in the process of trying to come to terms with these silly facts of this world. Facts refering as emotions, career, and the question of why the hell are we on this earth? There must be some reason behind it, is'nt it?? Look at the famous saying "every person on this earth comes with a purpose", but I m not able to find mine! People say m ambitious.....if you ask me I tell you I have not the slightest idea of what am I gonna do even tomorrow!How can I tell what I wanna do in my life! But then I know there IS something for me to do which m not aware of. OH MAN!!!this is SO confusing!

I hope everyone else knows what they are gonna do! As in, in life. And are not clueless about it. OOPS...sorry for wasting you time and thankyou for reading me out!

**I believe in angelz**

Sometimes I question myself>>>>am I so lucky?And sometimes m forced to think>>>>what the hell such a shitty luck I have!

Sorry for using *abusive* lingo!But its MY age, I am supposed to use it!

So the luckiest thing is that I have so many people whom I can say "they" really lurv me despite of everything.

The very first photo is Apurva n' me...I'v told abt her earlier; so no more discriptions!She is a ''all time available'' backup for me! She is always there to help me out even if she does'nt want to! LOL

The second photo is of Sanjukta and me!

One thing that i did not tell about her was that this girl has tolerated me for almost 7 years now! That's the longest period after my parents and my sister!Though we are absolutly OPPOSITE...and till this date after ALMOST 7 years I can't say that I really know her. It's like ,though I know everything (almost) about her still I cannot tell what exactly she thinks. All in all we differ in any and every way!! But still i love her and i guess THAT is what matters and ofcourse the chocolate cake! Correct me if m wrong **wink wink**!

SO, is'nt she pretty?? That's my chubby wobby sister! If I'd say I love her it would be a HUGE insult to her because love seems to be such a tiny-mini word to express the love-hate relationship she and I share. Though she is such a idiot and eww kinda gurl but she is so goddamn USEful..hahaha...what did u expect??hahaha...ohk ahem ahem on the SERIOUS note: she is like the goddess of my live. People cannot se god, I can ! She has made some of the most impossible things possible for me. She is like this shining star in the bright 'moony' night, in which there is happiness and I cannot see it but SHE makes me see it! She can be a dictator though and a big time bitch if in one of her moods! She has these huge mood swings, they are worse than my mood swings (just imagin!).Thank you Sachi di(A.K.A. *PuRpLe PrInCeSs*) for being there ,otherwise it was almost impossible to bring her back to ab-normal after those mood swings!(LOL) But we share a bond in which even if i say 'I hate u' that is b'coz I love her and same the other way round!!

NOW the person who'll be reading this will be thinking if this gurl (my sister A.K.A. Ankur..haha) is SO important in my life why is she AT the end...well this so b'coz it's hard talking about her ,the complexcity of our relationship is so HUGE that words are not enough to talk about her. So to end it I'll say :YOU ROCK ^GrEeN QuEeN^!!

Apart from her and my parents the new member of our family is the someone who brings a smile on my father's face as well (one of the most NOT-possible things) when he is really angry! And that someone is Chilli THE BILLI!!! Our kitten! Her Photo'll tell you how cute she IS!! Chilli has become the life of our whole family in only one month!!

I think that's enough about such a prominent personality!!**wink wink**

Thinking! (for a change)

It's been long since the last blog.Well m sure no one has been "desperatly" waiting for it though!

Today m going to tell a story----I wont be able to tell you the exact story though the reasons being a bit personal. So here it goes :

Just been out of the house for 5 minutes and her cell is already ringing and people no need to guess because its her mum. "yeah mum?" she said as she picked up, "Get me 2 liters of full cream milk,see the date and then buy it. And see if there is some freash full bread."said her mother."Ohk, anything else?"

"naah nothing,get it and come fast!"replied the mother.

This is a regular routin after coming back from college. Naaz,that's her name, meaning pride, though she does'nt feel any such thing any more! Hurt,deeply hurt! Fallen, from a great height! Always been the apple of her father's eye, been many people's fav., "been" always proud of everything that she ever had! But today and for the past 3 months the pride has been shatered, she feels so low, so isolated, as if its worthless being what she is and why the hell was she sent to this "super sentimental" world! Purposelessly?

Dont get confused its just me! The super DEVIL a.k.a. NAAZ!

Today, I have been forced to think weather it is right to lower oneself this much just because 'this one' was left by the 'other one' for a reason that has not yet been found! Ohk I know its a bit confusing so i'll start with TODAY-----

I was sitting in the metro and a couple came to my side and again i was wondering why the bloody hell does god have to send all the boyfriends and girlfriends around ME!???So this one is sayin---

'Yeah u are right Karan, its always been my fault so why are u wanting to meet me? I did not ask you this time! I begged YOU to come back for 2 months but you never listened.'said the girl

'I know i'v been a jerk,but try and understand yaar you know m a bit slow at mind.'said the boy

'Its not a time to joke alright, come straight now. Why did u want to meet me?YOU want all the presents back that you gave me?Then forget it,because I wont!They the only things that are left of you with me and......the memories.'-girl

'What if I say I got a teddy for you today?'-boy

'What the fuck?'-girl

He gives the teddy to her!

'What if I say I got a hide n' seek for you?'-boy

The girl stairs at him.

'What if I say that when i went to the flower shop this morning, and the flowerist said the sunflowers hav'nt arrived yet.'-boy

Tiers start falling from the girls eyes.

'What is I say from the past 2 months the first and last thing that i thought was of you?'-boy

'I dont get it.'-girl turning away.

The boy takes back the teddy and holds it in front of him and says...dear teddy, please tell this idiot that I love her,I loved her and will always do so!

The girl just cant stop crying and I realise i just missed my station.I get off at the next and catch the reverse............

Now how does it relate to ME! I had a break up 3 months back and i never got a reason for it!I tried hard to forget all of it but today I realised that its useless running away! The truth will come to you, YOU need not find it!I can keep loving him even if he does'nt loves me! And if god has some mercy on me I'll get WHAT 'I' deserve!

The boy and the girl deserved each other!

The pride is not hurt! I'm still my father's apple rather mango!

Life is'nt finished, there is a purpose with which a person comes to this earth...it can be bad as well as good! I am in no authority to hurt people just because I was hurt once.

She has reached the shop and calls back her mother as she has forgotten how much milk she was supposed to buy...

'How much milk ma?'

'Bola toh tha,2 liter.'

'Yeah. And ma....I love you!'

Loves in the air ALL the time!

[P.S.: I LOVE YOU]

The darker side of me!

DISCLAIMER: To whom so ever it may concern. It is nat a private me. This "darker" side of me is what I am famous for!

You must be wondering why such a heading! It should have been the 'dark' side of me,but as it concerns ME it has to be the 'darker' side of me as funnily all my sides are dark- literary or psychologically! Ohk people its not a matter to laugh on so coming down to the TOPIC! The darker side of me would be the thing that a person realises instantly when he or she meets me for the first 'few' times,as one cannot know someone in the very first meeting! So the very first thing evrybody tells me about me is my supposed ability to loose temper really fast! I known this fact for the past ,as far as i can remember, 10 years! And the worse part rather the 'darker' part is that I hav'nt been able to control or make 'amends' for it.

But being Highly egoistical i can justify it...though not completely but to SOME extent. But as I write this passage I realise that its not about ego, because I myself want to get rid of this ''darker ME'' and also the fact the this anger has become an inevitable part of my life and 'm not able to get rid of it!

Now try this------it might help you understand what am I really trying to say!

I hate it

but

it adds to my ATTITUDE

so

thats ME! The ego in me...

The anger in ME!

I love it

but

it is a black spot on my personality

so

thats ME! The spin in me

The anger in ME!

This part

the anger in ME!

...is a part of me

that can not be riped

and

thrown away!

It has stuck for so long

unabling me to 'change' it!

this anger in ME!

Ummm..so by now i hope you'v got an IDEA how difficult it is for me to leave ''the anger in me''...so the conclusion is- all you people better start dealing with it and make sure that YOU do'nt do any such thing that would FORCE me to bring out the ''darker'' side of me!;)

Be happy

and let others be happy

AS WELL!

[P.S.:-all the above discription of me is absolutly true please do not consider it as a joke. But I can assure each and everyone that 'm not ALL that bad......I can be if not good but atleast nice at times.]

THE life so far...

Father-Mother

Sister-Brother

Friends-Foes

Agreements-Disagreements

Successes-Failiurs

Night-Day

Light-DARK!!

That's whats been the SO CALLED life of mine.

Wills and Wonts

Yes and Nos

Certain and UN-certain

Means and NO-means

Biddings and NON-biddings

That's whats been the life GOD made.

Hopes

Expectations

Optimism

Aspiration

Wish

DREAM!!

That's whats been the life WE thought.

Courage

Resolution

Guts

Nerves

BRAVERY

That's what life NEEDS to be!

Joy

Bliss

Ecstasy

Enjoyment

Pleasure

PRIDE

IS what life should be!!

Dispair

Misery

Desolatin

Dejection

Hopeless

Anguish

That's what life's BEEN!

Takes only a smile,

some faith,

a bit of hope,

AND tons of COURAGE...

to make life what YOU want it to be...

SO thats life so far!

Dreams that I dream of....

Every now and then
I see a dream,
I feel a dream,
every now now and then

I wish this dream.

Every now and then
there is a strong desire
of living this reverie
where I see my self
near a pond so blue, under a stary night
surrounded by lilies, and deep green woods all around.

I feel my heart racing
as I see him coming out of the woods
so tall and lean

the expression on his face
makes me skip a beat
though un-undersatandable
I wonder what it means

As he approches
I close my eyes
and look above the heavens
and say a silent prayer
to never to open my eyes again

But the irony is
every night my dream ends there
as I open my eyes to the world,
to the real ,
to the unquestionale justice,
that was made by the mighty up above

I dream this dream
every now and then
but at the end I realise
his sincere verdict as he says:
''dont live in your past,there is a reason it did not make to your future''.

Thus I give my consent

as nothing can be done.

Only , deep down in my heart

I wish that there might be something

that could be done!

tymz o' depression...

Some tymz it feels so alone...inspite o' d most chearful ppl around...and deep down everyone and I myself noe wat d reason is...but I hate to acknowledge d fact dat ''i had sm1 hu was never mine''. D worst thing being I never tell nebody wat m actually feeling...and let ppl hear what THEY wanna hear......dat m happy happy...n' nuffin'z wrong wid me....wen actually my world is turning up-side-down!!!I simply feel dat otherz as in genrally ppl wont take matter d way I take it...de'll b prejudiced towards me...ofcrs as in de are my frndz and family yaa..de'll try to explain as though the WHOLE mistake was of the 'other one'!

The thing is I myself dont noe hw to explain everything so dat I get a good enough reason for-> why did every thing ever had to start when der was no end???difficult....extremly difficult to put 2 n' 2 together to make sence o' everything dat is happening around me...but anything hardly makes sence anymore...though m optimistic...but smhw d so called 'luv' does'nt makes sence AT ALL to me now...as far as noe myself it wont make ne sence to me ever.......but still my BIG problem o' loving ppl inspite o' d fact dat i noe dat THEY do not luv me....i love dem...i guess dat makes d whole thing more strong for me dat d other person doesnt lyks me...and dats d reason m desperate to noe d faults b'coz o' which de are behaving so...!!!!

I noe dat i above paragraph hardly makes any sence...but dats another huge problem o' being in stress...one is'nt able to figure out thingz....and everything in d world seems to be against oneself...the feeling o' no one'll ever think and imagin the whole 'prospect' d way I do...make u feel so out o' place...

I noe if I'll ever try to clear dese confusions wid ne o' my frndz de'll litrally try to kill me coz I did nt discuss it wid dem...but guyz m really sorry...lyk i said dats wat depression is....d whole world seems to b against u!!!!

but smtyms pretending to b happy can actually lead u to feel internally happy...though nt olwayz...but smtymz...but m absolutly against pretending...m o' dose ppl who feel happyness is ol around, its just dat u are overseeing d oppertunity.

Just recently I read an article about what EXACTLY is luck, and the writer had done research on this. He says that luck is by chance and it comes with change...meaning if we dont change according to the changes that take place around us we loose many oppertunities and grabing the right oppertunity at the right time is what is called LUCK!!Similarly if we WANT happiness it WILL come to us; we need not search for it.

ummmmmmmmm...ahem ahem...well THAT was melodramatic!(LMAO).

I hope its not me who keeps on questioning life...and others do the same...

something that is ''everything''

The something dat z everything to me is MY frndz... well its been a long long tym since my parents have been trying to make me understand the FACT that in this cruel world no one is urz....one has to make his own space by pulling the other down!!and that is wat every one does... but MY nature being somewhat ''out of the way'' I hv never paid heed to this perticular advice!i love making frnz and thank goodness i hve some of the worldz most wonderful frndz in my life!!

SO lemme start with the my bestest frnd...:SANJUKTA BASU a proud bengali, a total arien, a topper in olmost every field, and most of ol a wonderful humanbeing. You can expect everyting gud d worldz' got to offer frm her....she has taken me out of sm of the most tight spots, sm of d most worrisome areas and guess wat she has the perfect solution to every god-damn problem o' mine!!!wordz arnt enough to discribe her, space z definatly nt enough....its difficult to define a person in whom u never see a fault ....ohk i'll confess der IS one fault in her she z damn IRRITATING.....dat too many a times NOT just at tymz!!yeh seriously at tymz gives dese bloody (sry fr using such words but de cn only describe d true feeling...hehe) silly jokes on which one does'nt feels lyk even smiling!!!rather starts crying to make her realise wat "wrong thing" she has done. Ohk no more complaints a bt her and m sure she agrees wid me to ol d above mentioned thingz!!

now APURVA...to b cute APPUZ D PAPPUZ...sry honey for making 't public but 'ts cho cute!again a great personality few words, space less and smwhat nt possible to say ANYTHING abt her.... still i'll try....she z a true aquarian>humanitarian>>lovable>>>adorable>>>>cute chubz>>>>>my helping hand>>>>>>a doggie lover>>>>>>>.....we'v got so much in common and i guess equally disagree at as many topics!!!! she noes certain things i m never able to tell anyone but hv dicussed and found solutions to dem...AND she noes certain things dat everyone noes !!hahaha....just another stupid pj o' mine!!!!NEVERMIND...........................m never able to do justice to ppl i love...

hmm...i cant go on wid ol o' my GREAT frndz name by name but i'll genralise dere luvey dovey nature and ofcrs mention sm o' dere names.....i say sry in d beginning itself if i forget ne one!!nad as i'll never stop making frndz i'll keep updating this post!!lolz......so d pest part of ol o' dem is dat THEY TOLERATE ME and thats enough....bearing me is enough to make ol of these ppl **great**!

SO here goes d list...

Ankur

Sanjukta

Apurva

Chiara

Rachit

Manan

Shivangi

Shweta

Harshita

Arunima

Aastha

Aashita

Ritika

Anchal

Sparshita

.......i guess i'll stop here or i'll never!!!

[P.S. I still miss Nishtha...]

"Me, myself and I in this beautiful world''

It is'nt dat d world has has cm to an end if i could'nt achieve d targated result i had expected for my boards...but thanks a lot to my family, frndz and all d ppl who stood by me and supported me in one of the most ''difficult'' tymz and thus I 'm now able to proudly say dat m a member of Indraprastha College for Women, Delhi University B.A.(hons) English.

Dis struck to me as a real shock dat i MRINAL SINGH is going to persue ENGLISH HONS. as my graduation. When I always thought that I would b probably d last person to do so! But now i realise dat it'll b so useful in my future prospects i.e. human resource management or journalism!I thus consider myself to b damn fortunate to hv got d best education any one can ever dream of! Neway m still shameful and sorry to admit dat m still nt sure wat I REALLY wat to persue in my life further! Though m considering the prospects for now.....


I guess dats it for d ''sad sad'' part of my STUDY for now... the ''beautiful world'' i refer in my caption is something 'related' to study only though..... dat is my COLLEGE...guess wat???.... i'd seen peacocks only once till i went to my college!! Now i see them EVERYDAY its so heartfilling to see such beautiful ....hmmm...wat de call in hindi....''nazaare''.....d atmosphere is ahmazingly GREEN i mean its so god damn difficult to find SO much greenry alltogether dese dayz........especialy at a place such as delhi!I m a nature lover so its a great delight to d eyes....oh!! I 'm nt able to do justice to d worldy beauty of my college..............rather no one'll b ever fortunate enough to do so.

ummm...i guess I m nt so well at writing ryt now but i promise i'll improve and give better accounts of d enchantments of d ''new'' world m gonna explore in d near future..........and my experiences in it.........


for now
chao
cya.....
till then buhbye and keep waiting!lolz