Every time
We are reminded
of where we are headed
despite the fact, that we can't help it.

Seasons change outside
Never to be the same,
Or to come back...
Like a tide.
So alone,
Just trying to store
Some of the memories
Of my happy diary.

So alone,
I wait.
For there is nothing to be done.
Waiting for the next disaster to strike,
Or the next memory I can strore,
Or....keep trying to forget
That I'm alone.
Right here.
Waiting,
For the painting
Full of colors
That fate might have been planing
To paint
But instead,
Sucked all the colors by a straw
leaving it, as a 'pending file'.

Oh despair! Go away!
Give joy some way.
Make life what it is meant to be.
And then. maybe,
My 'file' will be brought down that dusty shack,
and given the spark,
the splash of rainbow
filling in the cracks.

Oh yes.
I'll be happy again.



But when?

For we are never 'alone'

An evening with orange sun,
Pink ringlets in the blue-white horizon,
A bird chirping happily,
That! there is a reason to live.

A smile on a stranger's face,
Leaving a smile on my face,
Like a trace,
That! there is a reason to live.

A kid waving across the street,
Brightens the moment like
candles in darkness,
That! there is a reason to live.

A long drive
without destination.
Running out of gas,
A favorite song playing on the radio,
Buying random things on random stops,
Looking at fellow travelers,
A passing wave
On the highway
A cute guy looking for lift
That is life in a jist.
For we are never alone.
For in being alone also, there are others who are alone.
This is,
A reason to live.

An apology to self, and others

Its been three months or so since my last post, and I feel so guilty. I read one of my friend's blog today and I was so inspired to get back here and write something, just to satisfy my inner guilt. This place has been a real *escape* for me, I have not written anything these past few months because I really wasn't thinking about anything, good-bad. And it is not so because I've been super busy, it's been so because I've been ignoring everything. Yes its true.

And I confess this is not a very good reason. But really that has been the reason. The one thing that I've especially been avoiding is something this estranged person said to me. Something about me being fake, and unworthy of being me. And believe me, as much as your best friends try and convince you that you are not what they think we are not, the more curious we get. At least so has been the case with me.

Yes I have too much of ego, I don't have the ability to forgive, but I do forget...
And I should have forgotten this thing long back, but it has had a sad impact on me. There are many things I can't do, one of these many are I can't pretend. And I have been pretending. That's eating my insides! Gulping all the prospective happy moments. Because I know I have been pretending. I don't know why I keep doing it. I know it's so not me. Once started, I have continued it. And I want to end it. I have not said this to anyone. And no better place than here.

To this *estranged person*: Nothing gave you the right to say what you said to me. Not even the right to speech, because that right also has its ethical codes. Plus I have no idea what made you think the way you thought of me. I thought we'd be great friends and I hate it when people prove me wrong, but I accept it if its acceptable, but  can prove you wrong. So all I want to say is, 'm sorry we had to part ways because it has effected something that could have been avoided.

To the *un-knowingly suffering one* : I have been pretending  like nothing was wrong, but there *was* something wrong. I use was because with this piece of writing I am confessing and apologizing. I hope we never come back to this issue.

 

The Jungle Girl

Ten million fire flies
Two million green lush trees
Three million fishes in the river near by
Four million autumn leaves

My Jungle.

Love, a lot of it.
Envy, not a bit.
Friends, lots of them.
Enemies, can't tolerate them.

My Jungle.

'M the Protectress.
'M the Queen.
'M the Keeper.
'M the Owner.
'M the laborer.

My Jungle.
I live in it;
and no one dare lay a finger on my sanctuary.

The Everlasting Burning Flame

Karan

(Mahabharata Take #1)

O. Father

It was my luck to be your son.

But

There is a Burning fire

Inside my Heart;

Is it curiosity?

Is it doubt?  

O, the great ‘Guru’

What was my fault?

The Truth was hidden.

But

You are the Mighty;

I do not complain.

O, the great ‘Sage’

Un-aware of my Identity.

 But

True to my Virtue.

So what was MY fault?

For which I paid with my Life!

O, Dearest Friend

You gave me, what I craved for most;

You gave me the status;

You gave me the hand, to hold on to.

And all I had for you

Was

Unquestionable love and support at all times.

O, the great beauty

That walks on earth

But

Hushes me, as something below earth.

O, Mother

Why?

That’s all I can say,

Ask.

And so the everlasting flame diminishes

In the name of his true father, ‘Surya’

But

Still burns in every heart

Who

Reads the great epic;

Epic of all epics – ‘Mahabharata’.

So goes my story.

And, who am I?

I am

Eldest son of Kunti,

Un-Known brother of the Pandavas,

Un-Recognized love of Panchali,

Un-Flinching friend of Duryodhan,

So called un-worthy ‘shishya’ of Parshuram,

Un-Taught by Dronacharya,

Loved and brought up by the ‘Charioteer’.

I am Karan,

Surya putra.

[P.S. : To understand it better, read Karan’s story in ‘ MAHABHARATA.]

The Search

A Sleep

A Dream

A wake up call
That's all it takes.

I found so many things
With that my search starts
...for more than i dream of
This marks the beginning.

And yet
the tinge of doubt entangles me
...into it's treacherous web;
My path thus wavers
Not one
Not two
But too many choices to choose from.

Will I get what I want?
How will I get it?
Where will I get it?
WHEN will I get it?


WHAT is it that i want??

....and the search continues....

Something Special?

It is past my curfew, and still I stand here looking up towards the sky, it is one of those most beautiful nights ever. Stars shining like diamonds on a velvet carpet, moon looking at me as though...
I look down, the city is still buzzing. Strange that people don't realize the beauty around them, In'it? But still some nights are special for some and other nights for others...


I find it really strange when people can pin point their 'special' moments. I donno, I somehow cannot. One can say its a memory problem, BUT I remember THINGS that are special to me. What is it exactly that you define special as? I am sure we can not 'exactly' tell the meaning of special, it is something like love...it means different to everyone. Seriously. NO ONE has the same perception or view towards love. Similarly, Special cannot be defined by just a word or sentence! Just Google it! I assure you, you'll find many meanings to this very 'special' word. Surpassing what is common or usual; something that is exceptional; something out of this world yet present in front of your eyes!


Everything that I have is special to me. As a matter of fact given a chance everything around us is special in some way or another. We see miracles happening everyday, but don't wanna accept them! WHY? Because we are too intelligent for such a 'special' thing? 


The message that I want to send across is that why not give a chance? Might it be a beggar, or a failed student, OR yourself! Everything is SPECIAL we just don't reach out for it! 


The Question remains WHY NOT?


We hear people say 'get a life', probably this is what it means give it a TRY! MAKE it special!






GIVE IT A CHANCE! :))

Life as I wish

Some to love
Some who love

Some to play with
Some to have the real fun with

Some to cuddle
Some to fight

Some peace
Some restlessness

Some to excite
Some  to sooth

Someone to give an honest opinion
Someone to bitch with
Someone to bitch about

Some blessings

Some sense of worth

A 'Father', 'Mother'
AND

A 'Sister'

Not to forget a bunch of reliable 'Friends'

My wish as life...

'Am I asking for much?

OOPS
'M not asking for it

I HAVE IT!!

I Want To Live Again

I feel the fresh air
I feel the wind whispering through my hair
I feel like the morning dew
I feel new

I feel I am born again
I want to live again

No clue where my heart is
No clue where I am
No limitations
No restrictions

I feel I am born again
I want to live again

I feel like running through fields
I feel like climbing top of the hills
I feel like flying with the raven in the sky
I feel like dancing with the moon
I feel like exploring the unexplored
I feel like going beyond the world

I feel I am born again
I want to live again.

I want to find light in the dark
I want to reach out and hold the sun

I want to flow with the river
I want to fall with the waterfall
I want to rise with the wave

I want to zoom like a canon ball
I want to sprint like a leopard

I feel new

I feel I am born again

I want to live again!

Random Things About Me (Part 2)

Here I am again telling, rather blabbering about myself without knowing if anyone is even interested in knowing it. I guess I am doing this for two major reasons:
1. I am trying to understand myself.
2. I want my tini-mini blog to be active untill I get enough time to write the long posts I once used to.

So without any further explanantions lets start with 'myself' :

32. I don't like talking on phone long.
33. I love melodramatic movies.
34. I wonder how someone came love only and only one person at a time. Well as in you know 'boyfriend' kind of love.(Many contradictions coming to this for sure.)
35. I have a major ego problem.
36. I can be irritating without even caring about it.
37. I am desperate and excited for my sister's wedding day. (Strange!? I know, girls are usually desperate and excited about their own wedding, but seriously I can't imagine myself getting married.)
38. I don't like orange candies.
39. I believe I am evil. NOT cruel but evil. =D
40. I am selfish for strangers.
41. I love cotton sarees.
42. I don't believe in the mythical-religious stories. But I do believe in a divine power. Though I must confess I love reading, watching and hearing all these stories such as Ramayana.
43. I want to fall in love with a complete stranger.
44. I don't really know what is my kind of guy but from my past experiences I've realized my kind of guy would be a lean, rich, B.A.D.(it is in capitals because I want to emphasize on this one ), dumb, respectful of elders,  flamboyant, and ready to accept me as I am - without any changes.
45. I love momos.(That is why I eat them up.)=D
46. I don't make friends easily.
47. I might seem shy, innocent, quite, and lovey-dovey to strangers.
48. I get angry really fast.
49. I believe in 'magic'.
50. I don't really hate anyone.
51. Once I get to know someone I stick to them.
52. I don't like tragedies. And my entire course of this year is full of tragedies...trauma!!
53. I adore my best buddies. (I know it is obvious but I just wanted to mention it.)
54. I can like anything! Beleive me! if I can like 'Laga Chunri Mein Daag'- the movie, I can like anything. So say my friends. :)
55. My grammar is BAD!!!
56. I am bad with spellings as well. (Cool now everyone is wondering 'What is this idiot doing in a course like English hons.?')
57. I have a 'twin'. Not the biological one but mentally and philosophically alike twin. ANCHAL. I hope you read this Anchal.
58. Even though Sanjukta (one of my best friend) hardly likes anything in me she IS my best friend.Strange but true.
60. I lost a best friend lately. Well it was coming for a long time but I accepted it recently.(I had 5 best friends before this.)
61. I don't like when people say 'Bye'.
62. I never turn around to see if the person is still standing where I lift them or have they left.
63. I love taking long walks.
64. I prefer face-to-face conversations.
65. I don't like candle-light dinners. The idea just seems too obvious to me. I prefer thunders...and beaches...or mountainhills for 'romance'. But I am not much of a romantic.


Ummm....that's it for today. I hope I did not repeat anything, I don't want to go check it, because my silly super slow computer is frustrating me now. And I want to make one of my past statements clear: when I said 'I don't like Harry Potter' I meant I did not like Harry Potter the character, because I love the series. Its my all time favorite! My school friends and I even called ourselves 'Potter Freaks or Potterish'. And about the character, I am not outrightly saying that I don't like it I am trying to say that I don't like it as much as he is hyped about. I'd prefer Ron over Harry any day! I guess I've made my point clear.

That's it for the time being. :)

Random Things About Me (Part 1)

1. Unfortunately or fortunately so, I miss my sister.

2. Chilli, our kitten, made me understand a new meaning of love.

3. I like the worlds 'thou', 'thee', 'thous't' a lot.

4. I have 4 best-Friends. This might seem awkward to many.

5. I am in the middle of feminism and anti-feminism.

6. I love drinking milk.

7. I love chocolate. This a common fact with almost everyone. I like ALL of them-dark, milk, or whatever.

8. I hate roses.

9. I love sunflowers.

10. I am more close to my father than to my mother.

11. I love Austen novels.

12. I don't like Harry Potter much, my favorite 'Harry Potter' characters would be Ron, Voldemort, Dumbledore and Ginny. I like many other.

13. I like reading period novels.

14. I read a lot, and write less. =P

15. I am not good at expressing myself.

16. I hardly remember any specific thing from my childhood. Everything is a blur. Well I am a forgetful person.

17. I LOVE street food.

18. I am a big time movie buff!

19. I have about 5 celebrity crushes right now. :P

20. I wish to own a house near the beach.

21. My career prospects are absolutly hazy!

22. I love cooking.

23. I like making cards, not for everyone...only special people.

24. I wish Aslan was real.

25. I believe greeks were bastards, well no offence there...I guess it is only a temporary phase...I am reading Homer's Idiad these days and one cannot blame me for having such an opinion. someone has a doubt, read it.

26. Art is my passion.

27. I would like to have a gay friend.

28. I want a 'Barak Obama' for India.

29. I am not intelligent, but smart enough. :P

30. I am studying a subject I never thought of studying. English. And to top this I am kind of enjoing it.

31. I love all colors. But certain shades of pink disgust me.

That's it for now....there'll be more coming up....when I feel like telling. :)

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Tied with a golden thread

Strengthened with love

Brighter than the sun ray

That's friendship.

Unconditional love

Never ending hope

A true hearts' wish

That's friendship.

Enchanting

Fantastic

Exquisite

Cherished

Marvelous

are some words that 'may' describe F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Happy Friendships Day to all my friends.

Long live 'US'.

The Golden Friends...with a touch of gray.

Open your eyes

come out in the twilight

Drain in the beauty

and prepare yourself

for the

New Moon tomorrow night.

Dear 'S'

I know how you feel, but can you stop being an ass for ONCE? Why are you so determined to ruin yourself? Can't you see? We are better off without those freaking bitches!

Dear Bitch 'A'

Why the hell do you always want to prove me wrong? There are better ways to speak YOUR mind! But NO you HAVE to make me look like a donkey in a horse race!

Dear Fucking Bitch 'S'

Yes of course there are better ways to make someone understand, but here we are talking about YOU! You are not someone! So now do you get the point?

Dear 'A'

Of I do. You always catch me on my fall.

It is not easy to define friendship. But in all my experiences with friends these were the weirdest (if that is a word, which I doubt). They are the most fascinating pair of friends I've ever seen (though I must say I have not seen much). They are the best of friends, and guess what they are each others worst enemies. I am not sure if I am right in saying that, but so it seems. But what ever may come they have been there for each other, always.

A Unicorn Shines

It's blood saves lives.

A phoenix burns to

Come back to life.

A Centure reads the sky

to unfold the future.

A Creative soul

lives, burns and unfolds

the mystery of Thee.

There's is the best relationship I've ever seen. They are like two different souls yet same. It is like having a best friend, and everything that is not a 'best friend'. I won't leak the names, because if I do I might just betray their trust. Well it is one of my stupid superstitions.

A Beautiful Mind

is hard to find.

A Caring Heart

is always heard.

A Helping Hand

is not slippery as sand.

A creative Soul

is like a morning song.

I love the two creative souls even if I always say I do not. The touch of gray just adds to the spark they create.You two are like the splashes of the cold water in this freaking summer that just adds to the enjoyment list.

[P.S. : TOUCHWOOD]

It Is All Fine

Running from the past

Never helped, Still

the hope stayed, that

the moment would pass.

The feeling so inaccurate.

The only feeling that seem to clear

is Disappointment, in self.

Diary of a teenager

I sit here on my bed today, and feel so helpless. Writing down my feelings has become my ultimate escape from reality for short durations. Though these escapes are haunted by the past. I have never been good at expressing myself, and writing is something at which I have sucked my entire life.

After an year of the fateful day it does not help if I say 'it was the right thing to do', or 'I miss you' (because that is a lie ) or even if I try to convince myself not to think about that day (even when I am not sure which exact day or date it was, but it definatly happened around this time).

Ah, I got carried away. Today finally I have decided to say it (or write in this case) all out loud.

The dust of the past still lingers in my eyes. If I rub them it hurts, if I let it be it irritates. I know there are other solutions to it, but I have not been the least bit of rational in past few months. So here is the long story told short:

A guy tried to woo me for four months I did not notice. AT ALL. Then finally when I did, I did not believe it. He was (is) far too cute! And all those questions about why would a guy like him would ever like me? started popping up. Then he proposed. I said yes. Not right away though. He behaved like a perfect boyfriend. But still I did not believe it...why the hell would he like ME? Then he started working. TIME. No talks. No meetings. I thought he did not like me anymore. I got irritated and broke up. He did not say a word.

A month later he says: You don't call anymore...?

THE END.

This is my side of the story. The only problem I could locate in him was that he was a drunkard. But that's no reason to hate such a cute guy! I can not bring myself to forget him. I can't talk to him, because I get super nervous around him. For example the last time he called I started crying like a freak for no reason.

Since then I haven't had any guy in my life, of course apart from my father and best friend. I try blaming that on the fact that I am in a girls college, but that is again no reason for not exploring my options. Not that I am desperate for another boyfriend or something. The problem is I have NO idea what is going on! I have no idea where this is going. It was not all that 'deep love' sort of thing, come to think of it it was not even love.

OH GOD! This is freaking me out!

I seriously want to get over all this. High time. But nothing seem to be helping. Not even TOM!

[P.S. : 1) I have had a crush on Thomas Andrew Felton ever since I was 14 years old.

2) The title is 'It Is All Fine' because whenever a girl says the word 'fine' that is a clear enough indication that 'nothing' is fine.]

Solving the Past

The feeling that I dread the most is:

Loneliness.

The very thought of it makes me feel

Alone.

All this while

I kept questioning.

Why do people I love

cast me out of their life?

To this there is NO answer.

And when recently I lost another person,

I thought, why am I not feeling the loss?

Probably I saw it coming.

Probably I myself allowed it to happen.

Probably the person was NOT mine,

thus how could I loose him/her?

It is hard to let go somebody you love.

But I realised probably neither of us could ever be happy

if we stayed together.

This feeling of loosing did not fall on me like a bomb.

It was more like dusk.

I knew it was going to happen,

I knew I could not prevent it,

I knew it is the right thing.....because

I realised that person never reciprocated my feelings.

And when I turn to my past

I understand I myself never really felt the way I thought I felt!

That was complicated.

Another thing, the feeling was not complicated.

It was I who made the whole situation so complicated.

No. I am not talking about any boyfriend.

I lost a Best Friend.

Whom 'I' thought was my Best Friend,

but finally realized it was NEVER so.

For the first time I am not sad for such a thing.

Know why?

Because I, myself never thought she/he was my Best Friend.

Deep down in my heart I knew this relationship is fake,

but was afraid of acknowledging the truth.

And today I have the naked truth dancing in front of my eyes!

I still talk to her

but

not the same way.

The bogus feeling still exists.

No we are not friends any more....

We are just...

someone....

Re-Discovering Self

I thought

I'd forgotten love

None the less

I thought I'd forgotten myself.

The thunderstorm surging outside

Reminds me the stillness inside.

And when I think of it

'M shocked to realise

I've kept myself closed

Finding myself padlocked on the road of life.

I face the thunderstorm.

I ask it-"What can I do to undo the past?"

It roars.

I get my answer.

I turn to face the 'inside'

I pick the brush that has dried over the year

I choose Red, Green and Blue

I try to shape my thoughts into it

'Not bad'- I think

And another realisation dawns

What I've missed of all

The colors!

I make colors now

Vibrant-Violet.

Soft- Mauve.

Harsh- Forest green.

Adventure- Turquoise.

The tree of life,

full of little lives,

each lived one at a time.

The ocean of love,

full with drops of love,

each drunk at a time.

The mountain of passion,

where the river flows

making its way through trees

to join the ocean.

I Re-Discover the lost self

In doing so I learn

What 'Re-Birth' is all about.

'M born

AGAIN.

True Colours

Fake, I shouldn't be.

Wannabe, I might be.

Original, I want to be.

No.No.

Not a fake surely.

No.No.

Not a wannabe.

I 'm what I was,

what I 'm, and

what I want to be.

Evil?Possibly!

Angel! They call me!

Different 'm truly.

Laughing? Funny, I might be.

But one thing is sure:

Original, I want to be.

I know

I 'm what I want to be.

Mother

You brought me to this world

with a vocation in:

Love, passion and

Compassion.

Holding and nourishing me

In your gentle arms

Telling me the Cinderella Story

Giving me the love Cinderella* was deprived of,

and a Anestassia* never thought of.

You make sure

That I get the the pick of the bunch.

You think of my future

As a fantasy come true,

of which Bell** is surprised too.

You never asked for any thing

But my Happiness.

You never wanted anything

But my Success.

You are Sun.

You are the Moon.

You the Rain.

You are the train

that leads to the right station without delay.

You are the highest mountain,

You are the largest ocean,

You are the wishing pond,

You are the Phoenix song.

You are the Hope.

I thank you Mother

for the Castle of Love,

for the love Cinderella was denied,

for the the dream that Bell only dreamed,

for the strength of Mulan***.

Thank you Mother

for

Everything.

[*Cinderella is the heroine of the fairy tale 'Cinderella' and Anestassia was her step sister.

**Bell is the heroine of the fairy tale 'Beauty and the Beast'

***Mulan is the heroine of the fairy tale 'Mulan'.]

A Day's Work

I did not move from my bed for about the next 20 minutes. Mother had woken me up before the first sunrays could reach the veranda. I realised that I had no other choice as she ordered me to get ready in the next 5 minutes. Reluctant to even put the tip of my finger I hurriedly mopped my face with water and put on a mis-matched kurta-pyjama.

My house is located in a backward area of Uttar Pradesh. Facilities such as tap water, electricity, etc. were not available. Though we had rich harvest almost every year, the task of making wheat into flour was a difficult one. We had to carry the entire stock of wheat to a distant village. A chakki was required to make flour out of wheat, and it was not available in our village.

My parents were farmers, they had other chores to care of. So, it was I who has to go with some other people of our locality and change wheat into flour. 

Reluctantly, I picked up the wheat sacks and started stacking them on the boggy, a neighbour had agreed to take me with him. And thus we headed towards the other village. It was very hot, and there was hardly anyone who had a watch. It seemed like ages. Finally we reached our destination. BUT, no electricity. So, we had to wait. When it did come I was too excited and worried. Perched near the machine, looking closely that not even a single grain was wasted as it was my parents' instructions. I felt more scared than responsible. Then suddenly I was dragged along a pipe that was attached to the machine. It felt as though I was taken in by a huge flesh eating monster. All sort of weird thoughts started swimming in my mind- I could be crippled- before the next thought I could be dead! But as suddenly it had started, it stopped. I was on all fours, panting with fear, unable to move- thinking that ONE movement could take away my precious life. It was kind of funny when I finally realised that the machine had stopped and I was as good as new.   

By the time my work was done and I  had come over my nervous-excitement it was quite late. Anyway we started our journey back home. It had been one of the very long days and I did not want any further adventure. I slept the whole way back in the cool breeze of the night. 

Thanks To You

'M fine
Thanks to you.

I eat
I talk
I sleep
I survive
Thanks to you.

BUT
As I walk today
On the Highway
searching
for a way
by the way on which
I will stumble upon
someday,
I feel
a feeling I cannot apprehend.
I feel happy, for sure
I feel unsure
too.
A question
keeps buzzing
Am I really happy?
Or
is it yet another illusion?
Which creats confusion!

But yes
I know
I HAVE to be happy
content, high on spirits
as superfluous things
make everything
abysmal.

So,
'M fortunate
to have
whatever I have.

And for all this
I
thank you
the Angel above
guiding my life
and fighting my
obnoxious self.

Dear Angel,
Thanks to you
I survive
that too,
as good luck would have it.