Sometimes

There are times when I want

Nay, I need 

to be alone, and just hide and cry.

And yet wishing

Someone would see my tears

And try to just

dry 'em

making them precious jems.

....And the tears come faster.

Suddenly all those memories

Lovely memories rush though my mind.

Knowingly yet unknowingly

that angel up there is sad,

because I am...

So I make my night wish

Not to God,

But to my angel.

"Take me, when my time comes,

...and may my time come...

Before my loved one's."

Every time
We are reminded
of where we are headed
despite the fact, that we can't help it.

Seasons change outside
Never to be the same,
Or to come back...
Like a tide.
So alone,
Just trying to store
Some of the memories
Of my happy diary.

So alone,
I wait.
For there is nothing to be done.
Waiting for the next disaster to strike,
Or the next memory I can strore,
Or....keep trying to forget
That I'm alone.
Right here.
Waiting,
For the painting
Full of colors
That fate might have been planing
To paint
But instead,
Sucked all the colors by a straw
leaving it, as a 'pending file'.

Oh despair! Go away!
Give joy some way.
Make life what it is meant to be.
And then. maybe,
My 'file' will be brought down that dusty shack,
and given the spark,
the splash of rainbow
filling in the cracks.

Oh yes.
I'll be happy again.



But when?

An apology to self, and others

Its been three months or so since my last post, and I feel so guilty. I read one of my friend's blog today and I was so inspired to get back here and write something, just to satisfy my inner guilt. This place has been a real *escape* for me, I have not written anything these past few months because I really wasn't thinking about anything, good-bad. And it is not so because I've been super busy, it's been so because I've been ignoring everything. Yes its true.

And I confess this is not a very good reason. But really that has been the reason. The one thing that I've especially been avoiding is something this estranged person said to me. Something about me being fake, and unworthy of being me. And believe me, as much as your best friends try and convince you that you are not what they think we are not, the more curious we get. At least so has been the case with me.

Yes I have too much of ego, I don't have the ability to forgive, but I do forget...
And I should have forgotten this thing long back, but it has had a sad impact on me. There are many things I can't do, one of these many are I can't pretend. And I have been pretending. That's eating my insides! Gulping all the prospective happy moments. Because I know I have been pretending. I don't know why I keep doing it. I know it's so not me. Once started, I have continued it. And I want to end it. I have not said this to anyone. And no better place than here.

To this *estranged person*: Nothing gave you the right to say what you said to me. Not even the right to speech, because that right also has its ethical codes. Plus I have no idea what made you think the way you thought of me. I thought we'd be great friends and I hate it when people prove me wrong, but I accept it if its acceptable, but  can prove you wrong. So all I want to say is, 'm sorry we had to part ways because it has effected something that could have been avoided.

To the *un-knowingly suffering one* : I have been pretending  like nothing was wrong, but there *was* something wrong. I use was because with this piece of writing I am confessing and apologizing. I hope we never come back to this issue.

 

I Realized It Not Today

Not today,
Not yesterday,
I've been alone everyday.

And I realized it not today.

Last friends,
Down the river bends.
Made friends,
None making it to the end.

And I realized it not today.