An apology to self, and others

Its been three months or so since my last post, and I feel so guilty. I read one of my friend's blog today and I was so inspired to get back here and write something, just to satisfy my inner guilt. This place has been a real *escape* for me, I have not written anything these past few months because I really wasn't thinking about anything, good-bad. And it is not so because I've been super busy, it's been so because I've been ignoring everything. Yes its true.

And I confess this is not a very good reason. But really that has been the reason. The one thing that I've especially been avoiding is something this estranged person said to me. Something about me being fake, and unworthy of being me. And believe me, as much as your best friends try and convince you that you are not what they think we are not, the more curious we get. At least so has been the case with me.

Yes I have too much of ego, I don't have the ability to forgive, but I do forget...
And I should have forgotten this thing long back, but it has had a sad impact on me. There are many things I can't do, one of these many are I can't pretend. And I have been pretending. That's eating my insides! Gulping all the prospective happy moments. Because I know I have been pretending. I don't know why I keep doing it. I know it's so not me. Once started, I have continued it. And I want to end it. I have not said this to anyone. And no better place than here.

To this *estranged person*: Nothing gave you the right to say what you said to me. Not even the right to speech, because that right also has its ethical codes. Plus I have no idea what made you think the way you thought of me. I thought we'd be great friends and I hate it when people prove me wrong, but I accept it if its acceptable, but  can prove you wrong. So all I want to say is, 'm sorry we had to part ways because it has effected something that could have been avoided.

To the *un-knowingly suffering one* : I have been pretending  like nothing was wrong, but there *was* something wrong. I use was because with this piece of writing I am confessing and apologizing. I hope we never come back to this issue.

 

The Female Gaze

DISCLAIMER: This has been written on popular demand by my peers. Do not perceive me as a 'ho or 'tharkan'!  

You stand across the floor, a glass half full - half empty. Oh boy! The Reebok shoes, totally to drool over, and the blue semi – body hugging jeans…*drool*…oh, oh, oh…and the totally to die for aqua blue shirt…**I could eat you, if served on a platter** - those hands!! aa imagine them holding my face…those seemingly strong arms!! Oh baby, just pull me to you! How well this shirt defines your torso: oh imagine my hands running all over you! Ah that lop sided grin dancing on your face, so well defines it. And those side glances…oh sweet lord…! This wretched distance!

Oh poor heart! He turns…looks around, and those deeply beautiful eyes come and rest on me, that gaze is tearing me apart, taking me away, away to an ancient land…oh dear lord, pardon me for my cardinal sin…and he stares…my legs weaken. I’ll shatter into pieces if he keeps looking at me like that, and baby you could put me together with those delicate-beautiful and delicious-toxicating hands. And you come to a Holt, right in front of me! Oh, the lioness in me is ready to pounce and grab you by those sinfully-smooth-black hair of yours and kiss you right across those tempting lips…and your lips move, how wonderful would it be to lick them – oh! The delight of the thought, you are saying something but I can’t hear you, ‘m in my own fantastic world by the time I realize I’m nodding in approval of my lucrative and luring world of ‘sweet love’. And then, OH! The touch…I stare (He asks if she’d like to have a drink, while she is building her own castles of love-lust, she nods in approval of her imagination; which he takes as a yes to his question…and takes her by hand.)- and I jerk away. The thunderbolt is dropped on me , I stare, you are saying something again. I feel the sensation of your touch…I feel stupefied. I find myself saying, ‘I want a drink’, I walk in a trance…my poor-wretched heart jumping with delight. I was for water, it does not *normalize* my heartbeat, I ask for tequila…h the burning sensation, one more…I turn, one more…my eyes search for the only ecstasy of my life, ah the sight! One more, and I get up…I glide, I stand right behind him, smelling his delicious- refreshing fragrance, raising a finger I tap on his hard-well formed shoulder , he turns. Oh sweet lord! The lop sided grin. HOLD HIM BY HIS EARS, every molecule of my body is screaming…rip me to shreds. And I grab him. Oh, the maddening sensation. Every touch surprises me. Somewhere…far away…a song started…

            **Take me away, take me away

                 to a secret place…**

A kind of serenity befalls me, you toxicate me, oh baby – oh baby! And before I know what exactly I feel, I feel a oblivion surrounding me!!

  

The Search

A Sleep

A Dream

A wake up call
That's all it takes.

I found so many things
With that my search starts
...for more than i dream of
This marks the beginning.

And yet
the tinge of doubt entangles me
...into it's treacherous web;
My path thus wavers
Not one
Not two
But too many choices to choose from.

Will I get what I want?
How will I get it?
Where will I get it?
WHEN will I get it?


WHAT is it that i want??

....and the search continues....

A Prayer To Thee

May all that you have stored for me
Be the Best and Divine as Thee
May all that I hope for
I wish for
come true for sure.


May Thee shower 
His choicest blessings upon me.
I pray to Thee.


What is life without Hard Times;
What is life without knowing what is wrong;
What is life doing everything right;
What is life if the Paradise is lost?


May I get what is perfect for me
May all that Thee hath stored for me 
Be what I always wanted to be.


Thou shall save me from the devil
If he ever intend to bring damnation upon me.


Wind
Water
Earth 
Fire
May all bless me with strength to
Protect and generate life in
Every possible form.

May I inherit 

Happiness from the 'new' mother's heart;

Smile from the new born's lips;

Pride from the new father's arms.

And 

Love from the Supreme.

For I am a daughter 

That you crafted 

to give happiness to my mum and dad.

May the Stars shine upon me.

And the Moon smile towards me.

May Thee lead me to my treasure

As my heart shall be there, too.

[P.S. : This is purely accidental, don't take it as 'coming from my heart' kind of thing. For I surely haven't done anything, YET, to make my parents proud/happy of me.] :((

May Thee hath the

Best in store for me....

Something Special?

It is past my curfew, and still I stand here looking up towards the sky, it is one of those most beautiful nights ever. Stars shining like diamonds on a velvet carpet, moon looking at me as though...
I look down, the city is still buzzing. Strange that people don't realize the beauty around them, In'it? But still some nights are special for some and other nights for others...


I find it really strange when people can pin point their 'special' moments. I donno, I somehow cannot. One can say its a memory problem, BUT I remember THINGS that are special to me. What is it exactly that you define special as? I am sure we can not 'exactly' tell the meaning of special, it is something like love...it means different to everyone. Seriously. NO ONE has the same perception or view towards love. Similarly, Special cannot be defined by just a word or sentence! Just Google it! I assure you, you'll find many meanings to this very 'special' word. Surpassing what is common or usual; something that is exceptional; something out of this world yet present in front of your eyes!


Everything that I have is special to me. As a matter of fact given a chance everything around us is special in some way or another. We see miracles happening everyday, but don't wanna accept them! WHY? Because we are too intelligent for such a 'special' thing? 


The message that I want to send across is that why not give a chance? Might it be a beggar, or a failed student, OR yourself! Everything is SPECIAL we just don't reach out for it! 


The Question remains WHY NOT?


We hear people say 'get a life', probably this is what it means give it a TRY! MAKE it special!






GIVE IT A CHANCE! :))