Solving the Past

The feeling that I dread the most is:

Loneliness.

The very thought of it makes me feel

Alone.

All this while

I kept questioning.

Why do people I love

cast me out of their life?

To this there is NO answer.

And when recently I lost another person,

I thought, why am I not feeling the loss?

Probably I saw it coming.

Probably I myself allowed it to happen.

Probably the person was NOT mine,

thus how could I loose him/her?

It is hard to let go somebody you love.

But I realised probably neither of us could ever be happy

if we stayed together.

This feeling of loosing did not fall on me like a bomb.

It was more like dusk.

I knew it was going to happen,

I knew I could not prevent it,

I knew it is the right thing.....because

I realised that person never reciprocated my feelings.

And when I turn to my past

I understand I myself never really felt the way I thought I felt!

That was complicated.

Another thing, the feeling was not complicated.

It was I who made the whole situation so complicated.

No. I am not talking about any boyfriend.

I lost a Best Friend.

Whom 'I' thought was my Best Friend,

but finally realized it was NEVER so.

For the first time I am not sad for such a thing.

Know why?

Because I, myself never thought she/he was my Best Friend.

Deep down in my heart I knew this relationship is fake,

but was afraid of acknowledging the truth.

And today I have the naked truth dancing in front of my eyes!

I still talk to her

but

not the same way.

The bogus feeling still exists.

No we are not friends any more....

We are just...

someone....

The Evil Twin

We know it is there. It is our dark side. It is our hatreds and our fears, our prejudices and our anger, the corruption of our souls. They are the embodiment of all we do not wish to be.

In many literary works this very theory is used with another name- 'doppelganger '. Not only in literature but theater has also tried its

hand in this genre, and quite successfully.

The reason I have taken this particular topic is -it is not about terrorizing people or horrorizing them, it is about making people realize that they are not perfect. Everyone has a dark side. The day we accept it will be the day when we can call ourselves WHOLE. The day we have to combine our bad and good self we will be able to call ourselves 'satisfied'. It is all about overcoming our fears, our prejudices and our anger. And the the best way is by becoming indifferent to our fears, keep aside our prejudices and think rationally and most of all pacify ourselves and avoid those 'angry moments'.

The so called 'Evil Twin' can give all of us a hard time. If WE don't it it will definitely find us. And then it'll be late. The evil in you will destroy you and before you realize you will be in the pothole of life. You'll lose everything slowly....

All the theoretical and literary works work in the same direction. The way to become 'whole'.Some of them are listed below:

Literary works-

• Beowulf
• Jane Eyre

Films-

• The great Dictator
• Doppelganger
• Godzilla
• Prince of Persia: The two Thrones

Television-

• Charmed (the two part er episode-'It's a bad, bad, bad world')
• Elizabeth Montgomery often played Samantha Stevens' evil twin cousin, Serena on the television series Bewitched.
• In the television series I Dream of Jeannie Jeannie had an evil twin sister known as "Jeannie's Sister" or Jeannie II. Both characters were played by Barbara Eden.

Comic books-

• Superman, Bizarro emerged as the first Superboy's evil twin.
• Wonder Woman episode#175.
• DC Comics (evil doppelgangers of various superheroes reside on Earth-Three).

Evil twins are everywhere. The best place to find it id WITHIN you. It is like your enemy inside you. It is just a matter of time that you go find you evil self or your 'doppelganger' (to give the horror effect) and tame it according to you. Just go ahead before it starts destroying your lives.

So, all the best. Go find your 'doppelganger'. :P

Re-Discovering Self

I thought

I'd forgotten love

None the less

I thought I'd forgotten myself.

The thunderstorm surging outside

Reminds me the stillness inside.

And when I think of it

'M shocked to realise

I've kept myself closed

Finding myself padlocked on the road of life.

I face the thunderstorm.

I ask it-"What can I do to undo the past?"

It roars.

I get my answer.

I turn to face the 'inside'

I pick the brush that has dried over the year

I choose Red, Green and Blue

I try to shape my thoughts into it

'Not bad'- I think

And another realisation dawns

What I've missed of all

The colors!

I make colors now

Vibrant-Violet.

Soft- Mauve.

Harsh- Forest green.

Adventure- Turquoise.

The tree of life,

full of little lives,

each lived one at a time.

The ocean of love,

full with drops of love,

each drunk at a time.

The mountain of passion,

where the river flows

making its way through trees

to join the ocean.

I Re-Discover the lost self

In doing so I learn

What 'Re-Birth' is all about.

'M born

AGAIN.

True Colours

Fake, I shouldn't be.

Wannabe, I might be.

Original, I want to be.

No.No.

Not a fake surely.

No.No.

Not a wannabe.

I 'm what I was,

what I 'm, and

what I want to be.

Evil?Possibly!

Angel! They call me!

Different 'm truly.

Laughing? Funny, I might be.

But one thing is sure:

Original, I want to be.

I know

I 'm what I want to be.

Mother

You brought me to this world

with a vocation in:

Love, passion and

Compassion.

Holding and nourishing me

In your gentle arms

Telling me the Cinderella Story

Giving me the love Cinderella* was deprived of,

and a Anestassia* never thought of.

You make sure

That I get the the pick of the bunch.

You think of my future

As a fantasy come true,

of which Bell** is surprised too.

You never asked for any thing

But my Happiness.

You never wanted anything

But my Success.

You are Sun.

You are the Moon.

You the Rain.

You are the train

that leads to the right station without delay.

You are the highest mountain,

You are the largest ocean,

You are the wishing pond,

You are the Phoenix song.

You are the Hope.

I thank you Mother

for the Castle of Love,

for the love Cinderella was denied,

for the the dream that Bell only dreamed,

for the strength of Mulan***.

Thank you Mother

for

Everything.

[*Cinderella is the heroine of the fairy tale 'Cinderella' and Anestassia was her step sister.

**Bell is the heroine of the fairy tale 'Beauty and the Beast'

***Mulan is the heroine of the fairy tale 'Mulan'.]

A Day's Work

I did not move from my bed for about the next 20 minutes. Mother had woken me up before the first sunrays could reach the veranda. I realised that I had no other choice as she ordered me to get ready in the next 5 minutes. Reluctant to even put the tip of my finger I hurriedly mopped my face with water and put on a mis-matched kurta-pyjama.

My house is located in a backward area of Uttar Pradesh. Facilities such as tap water, electricity, etc. were not available. Though we had rich harvest almost every year, the task of making wheat into flour was a difficult one. We had to carry the entire stock of wheat to a distant village. A chakki was required to make flour out of wheat, and it was not available in our village.

My parents were farmers, they had other chores to care of. So, it was I who has to go with some other people of our locality and change wheat into flour. 

Reluctantly, I picked up the wheat sacks and started stacking them on the boggy, a neighbour had agreed to take me with him. And thus we headed towards the other village. It was very hot, and there was hardly anyone who had a watch. It seemed like ages. Finally we reached our destination. BUT, no electricity. So, we had to wait. When it did come I was too excited and worried. Perched near the machine, looking closely that not even a single grain was wasted as it was my parents' instructions. I felt more scared than responsible. Then suddenly I was dragged along a pipe that was attached to the machine. It felt as though I was taken in by a huge flesh eating monster. All sort of weird thoughts started swimming in my mind- I could be crippled- before the next thought I could be dead! But as suddenly it had started, it stopped. I was on all fours, panting with fear, unable to move- thinking that ONE movement could take away my precious life. It was kind of funny when I finally realised that the machine had stopped and I was as good as new.   

By the time my work was done and I  had come over my nervous-excitement it was quite late. Anyway we started our journey back home. It had been one of the very long days and I did not want any further adventure. I slept the whole way back in the cool breeze of the night. 

Thanks To You

'M fine
Thanks to you.

I eat
I talk
I sleep
I survive
Thanks to you.

BUT
As I walk today
On the Highway
searching
for a way
by the way on which
I will stumble upon
someday,
I feel
a feeling I cannot apprehend.
I feel happy, for sure
I feel unsure
too.
A question
keeps buzzing
Am I really happy?
Or
is it yet another illusion?
Which creats confusion!

But yes
I know
I HAVE to be happy
content, high on spirits
as superfluous things
make everything
abysmal.

So,
'M fortunate
to have
whatever I have.

And for all this
I
thank you
the Angel above
guiding my life
and fighting my
obnoxious self.

Dear Angel,
Thanks to you
I survive
that too,
as good luck would have it.